I feel as though i should have something epic to report because it has been so long since i've updated, but i don't. I feel like I've lost my sense of self. all of my clothes are red and black... the trademark colors of TGI Fridays otherwise known as my own personal hell that i have so un ceremoniously been dumped into... a store that was once busy, and yeilded it's employees 100$ a night now leaves them with 6$ and sometimes less. All because of location, Mellow Mushroom, Logans rockin Monday and Tuesday meal specials, and the impending recession.

I see myself working to death for little to no money, and no other place to get a job. I haven't got the money to go back to school, and even if i did go back to school i wouldn't be able to pay for my apartment and go to school and work. And i can't move home... i don't really have a home to go back to.

I have lost my ambition. 4 years ago i was full of ambition. I was full of want and hunger and eager to learn. That hunger was laughed at, chewed upon, and spit back out. That hunger was laughed at because i wasn't good enough. i was called fat when i really wasn't. Boy, wouldn't they like to get a look at me now. 250 lbs and growing, with more stretch marks than an expectant mother. they made me feel worthless, like i couldn't do anything right. And anyone who praises them as gods ought to be shot, have thier ambition hopes and dreams chewed upon and spit back out.

and so here I am,  8 days and counting from my 23rd birthday, and while my friends and classmates have graduated college, gotten amazing internships, started graduate school, gotten married and had kids, here I am... a person whos greatest ambition is to get through this weekend because i have to do it alone.

So what about me? i am an epic failure. Just working on the pre-woven fabric of failure that i have been given by my parents... except they had a bit of success before they turned into ambition-less assholes...

.... am i that easy to forget about?...

someone left fridays and refused to pay becasue they said the "music [was]  ungodly. and we don't want to go to hell"
just from music? really?

i'm not happy either. and i don't know what to do...

i love you.

T

Things at Fridays kinda suck. I hate waiting tables. i always have, but i make decent money, so i won't quit. I only work during the day  now, so i have to get everything i need to get done from 8 through 10 AM. and i am not a morning person.

I had to report my boss for sexual harassment. It actually stressed me out more than i would have hoped it would, but the situation is under investigation with the human resources manager, and is coming to the store to interview Richard and the 4 other women he has harassed. I didn't think that i should have to put up with it... but i can't help but be scared to get fired.

the neighbors upstairs are FUCKING LOUD. and they FUCK, LOUDLY. it is VERY annoying, because they're RUDE and INCONSIDERATE. and will CATCH HERPES AND DIE.

better news: i'm getting my car fixed. ON WEDNESDAY. yay to the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Corporate keeps sending us shit as "holiday cheer." they're trying to make up for the fact that we will be closed in less than a month. they can all go fuck themselves. Jelly bracelets aren't going to pay my rent.

I'll be going back to Fridays full time after we close. Hopefully, what with working 40 hours a week there, i'll be able to at least scrape by. I' won't be able to afford groceries, so there's the diet plan...

i hate my life...

YAY for OBAMA! Congrats on the win, let's Barack the nation, bitches!

after last nights emotional win for our new President-Elect, I went to bed with a glimmer of hope. This country does indeed need change, and I think we are headed in the right direction.

But it will take time.

I got a very distressing call today. The company i work for, Club Libby Lu, is closing all of its stores as of JANUARY. So, i'm out of a job. I'm a manager, so i get a severance package, but i don't know what it will be until Sunday. We may stay open until Feb, but i doubt it because we are a small store and we don't do as much in sales as other stores. Realistically we'll be one of the first ones to close our doors.

sad times.... i love that company.

I'm an IN NEW ORLEANS and having the best break ever!!!!!

Yesterday, Michelle and I went to the French Market and I got a BEAUTIFUL Venitian Mardi Gras mask and got my mom a Voo Doo Doll... the ultimate tourist gift, i know, but still.

Today i think we're going back to the French Market so she can get a mask, too and she wants to look at a fleur de leis ring.

I am just so fucking excited to be out of Hattiesburg!!! i can't deal with that shit any longer. We don't have to go back until Sunday, AND AND AND we're going on a haunted history tour. HOT DAMN.

so i got the job at Friday's. I start training tomorrow. AMAZING...

my bank account thanks the general manager for the job.

T

UGH! So, Saturday was "dress like a jonah's brother" day at work... some of us looked cute... I looked and felt like a complete tool, even though I did get to wear jeans to work.

Michelle came up Saturday!!! Soo excited to see her. She was suppose to stay until Tuesday, but she got sick and had to come home early. SO... our solution? ME COME HOME WITH HER. Yea. I drove her back because she was really lightheated, and now i have to find a way to get back. no big deal thought. I get to stay in her house and their AMAZING cooking until Friday.

We're going to watch Grey's and Wicked now. Be jealous.

T

 Hooray for a craptacular summer. I'm at home. well, not at the moment. I actually happen to be at the public library using the internet out here because i don't have it at home. We're suppose to be getting it back soon but who knows. 

MICHELLE IS COMING ON THRUSDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAY FOR BEING AMAZING WITH MY SUPERPARTYSOULSISTER. 

Dog is over.it is bittersweet, and I am excited to have my life back, but with the same token, I am so sad to see it end. For the second night in a row, my dress flew over my head... it hadn't been doing that in rehearsals. Oh well... live theatre. nothing we can do about it now.

My last final is on thursday. I need to get on the ball and get this shit started, I just have no motivation. i have been completely wiped out with all this shit.

Once i leave here, i won't have internet for a good three months. not really happy about that, but again, oh well. I'll catch it where I can, at work, at the library, ect...

I don't want to leave the people.

and now that dog is over, i'm depressed again...

fuck.

This week has been a cluster fuck of nasty this week... I feel bad about a lot of things...
I can't think straight. I haven't been to bed before 2 in over two weeks, and it's really starting to get to me. I am easily aggravated, i yelled at michelle last night, she yelled at me, i am constantly tired and it's all going to shit.

At least the picnic is today.

The Musical Theatre showcase was AMAZING. Everyone was great and it was soo good and everyone loved it. Thank God it's over though.

Dog Sees God is tonight... wOw, i just got really nervous. OHMYGODHOLYSHIT.

the icon says it all.

Evaluations are MONDAY and I am completely unprepared. I am, however, prepared to let them know just how miserable I am... even if it black lists me for the rest of my life here at USM, which is forever, seeing as I signed my soul away three years ago.


Well, I just told Ken my big secret. He'll likely use the phrase "disappointed," which as been used more than once with me this week.

I am filling out my application to Pac Sun. I totally am not right for a place like that, because the clothes don't even fit me. but, I need the job.

FUUUCK i hate retail life.

I'll be missing rehearsal today because I will be at work. I also have to get completely off book this weekend. Good thing I'll be alone this weekend... I'll HAVE to be constructive.

and possibly drunk...

Hmmm woah yea...

I feel these 4 walls closing in
My face up against the glass
I'm looking out... hmm
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
Its greener pastures I'm thinking about hmm
Wide open spaces far away

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared

[Chorus:]
Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to
Run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses!
Oh yeah yea

I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare back, care free along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head first headlong without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared
Hoohhh woah woah

[Chorus:]
Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses!
Oh yeah yea

I wanna run too.
Hohhh woah oh woah oh

Breaklessly abandoning my self before you

I wanna open up my heart tell him how I feel

[Chorus:]
Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses! [X2]
Hooaah woah oh woah
Yeah

I wanna run with the wild horses

    My uterus has been eating for the last three days. I got my period today, so hopefully the over eating induced by the uterus will stop soon.

    This weekend was awesome. I sat around and did nothing but eat candy and watch TV with Michelle. Ok, i went to work on Saturday and did strike for Intimate, but other than that, did nothing.

BRET MICHAELS PICKED AMBRE!!! YES. Thank GOD Daisy got the fucking boot.

    I don't think I want to continue with therapy. I think my trust issues are spilling over into my sessions with her. I don't know her well enough to tell her all my secrets and show those scars.... which is why I'm in therapy. She is helping me figure out a lot of things about myself and my issues with trust, commitment, my walls and guards, and such, and she's talking to me about all my theatre stuff even though she doesn't understand at all. She's suggesting that I go and talk to the faculty about all of the things i'm going through and how i feel about all of this, but I won't for fear of being blacklisted.
    I don't ask for help, not from them. I don't want to look weak and unable to handle this career choice. and when it comes to criticism, i would rather be yelled at than ignored... at least when they yell you know they're paying attention. But to be ignored... to be ignored is a fate worse than death.
    I need to know more about myself. I need to know more about who I am, what I do, why I do the things I do, and how to be a better person... cause right now i feel like a pretty shitty one...

Ken is coming on Wednesday. I think I already said this, but I am super excited about it!!! He's going to dinner with us, and by us i mean me and Langston.

He said he wanted to talk to me. No doubt about my nervous breakdown/ severe depression and anxiety/ me wanting to quit school. I don't know what he could say to change my mind because so much of who I am has been defined by what I do, and now that I feel like I can’t do it anymore, I’ve lost my sense of self… '

conversation aside, i would just love to sit down and talk to him again.

Cory's party was fun. I got completely too drunk for my own good, but didn't get sick which was good. We played Captain Dickhead, which I am apparently no good at cause I ended up having to drink every fucking time. I got in at like 4 this morning.

Had rehearsal today for Othello. Jessika canceled our rehearsal for 315. These Othello scenes are coming up quick. i hate the scene. I can't be motivated to even try and get it right.

Michelle and Matt invited me to dinner with them at Olive Garden (their treat):D. Dinner was amazing cause i can't remember the last time i ate real food. Then we sat and talked for like two hours and stared awkwardly at the couple behind us that was MAKING OUT while the couple they were with sat there and were OBVIOUSLY uncomfortable.

I am working on my GOTE sheet for Dog Sees God. We're probably NEVER going to get started on that fucking show, which kinda pisses me off cause it's only time ill be on stage this semester.

I'm sorry, but I don't like the way things are being handled. There is a severe lack of organization and if E is too busy to direct this she needs to hand it off to Matt and Michelle, because it's not for a lack of them TRYING to rehearse us. I realize that we've gotten more than half the show blocked, but I don't feel like i'm doing anything. I can't really say anything because it would be overstepping my bounderies as an actor. we rarely have any say in what's going on. unless you're a certain someone, who basically yells their opinion and everyone else checks with them about EVERYTHING.


My therapist suggested that I talk to Monica about what's going on with the department. Not in the "you're a fucking idiot. I regret the day i ever stepped foot in this building" sort of way, but more of the " What am I not doing that I should be doing?" sort of way. Thing is, i don't think it's all my fault, so i don't see why i should put myself at fault when it takes two to tango.

I really feel like when I get out of here that i wouldn't have learned anything that will help me in the real world. Lets face it, if you're not of the Golden Few they don't really give a flying rats ass. If you're not of the Golden, they don't pay attention to you. It's the harsh reality that isn't advertised when they tell you how wonderful this department is.

They really should have a few more realistic pictures in the lobby. Like, instead of pictures of the shows, maybe they should have pictures of the many long nights spent in the Green Room studying for Stephens THE history tests. Or a girl crying in the corner talking on the phone to what is assumed to be her mother because she, yet again, was looked over during casting. Or a picture of Stellhorn yelling and making you feel like a complete asshole for something that he is suppose to teach you, but assumes you already know. or pictures of anyone during tech week. Or a picture of Stephen hitting on talking to a female student. Students beating themselves up and taking anti depression medication because they now realize in their junior year that they'll never be good enough and don't know enough to be shoved into the real world of theatre and acting.

and the tagline should be "we'll take you, even if you AREN'T THAT GOOD!"

THOSE are the exaggerated but everyday realities of being a theatre major.

forever and ever. AMEN.

Intimate was AMAZING. everything about it was AMAZING. the clothes, the lights, the SET!!! And all the actors were FABULOUS.

first day of work wasn't too bad. Met some new people. Learned some new hairstyles. I am now covered in GLITTER! i feel like a gay man. it's amazing.

ANNND i just just smudged eyeliner all over my fucking face. wonderful.

Party at matts last night more of a gathering really. Caleb was SHITFACED. we were drinking and playing rock band until 2 AM. i love singing at the top of my lungs.

Party at Cory's tonight. should be good fun. it should be just another gathering i suppose. but i am looking forward to it.

Ken is coming into town on Wednesday. I. CAN'T. WAIT. I miss seeing him everyday.